15 February 2015

Self Confidence, Going From A Size 12 To 22!

Hello Everybody! I wanted to write this post straight after the #PABchat so everything was fresh on my mind and I got everything in I wanted to say. Tonight's PAB chat was on Self confidence. Now I am a very very confident person with people but not with my body. I am far from confident in my body! Where did this start? 2 Years ago When I seen THIS picture.


Behold the weirdest picture you may ever see of me! But just look at my legs. Look at them sticks! I want them back! This was the picture 2 years ago that made me go woah. What happened to me, where is thin Liv? This was when I was in LIPA in year 10 so yes I was very active, walking to school every day, LIPA on a Saturday where I done Acting, Singing and Dance and was generally an active person. I was back then a size 10-12 (And I wasn't happy) I compared myself to other girls in LIPA who were a size 6 wondering why I wasn't that small when in actual fact, I was healthy and thin...something I always wanted to be!
Fast forward another 2 years when I was in my 1st Year of college nearing the end when I met Mell I thought I had put on a lot of weight, okay I was still relatively confident in my body and would wear small tops with leggings and not care if the wind blew it up to show my stomach but I still wanted to be back to that size 10-12. Below is a picture taken at that time, this was probably my most confident in my body at a size 14-16. I do think Mell impacted on this a lot, I had finally met someone who really liked me, who thought I was beautiful and I wasn't shy around her which was great! Whipping my top off to get changed was never a huge deal as I was happy. I still wanted to be that size 10-12 though.

Looking at this picture now another 2 years on is making me think where have I gone!? I am now a size 20-22 and I am far from happy with anything on my body. I hate getting changed in front of Mell, I compare myself more than ever to anyone and everyone (specifically the likes of Zoella, ANY VS model and pretty much any pretty thin girl!) I am physically unfit and get out of breath from the most stupid things and sweat like there is no tomorrow. This is vile I know but it's true!
When I thought about writing this post I searched my laptop for pictures to show how slim I used to be and came across this....


WHERE HAS LIV GONE?! This was 2 years ago too but seriously, now I have about 10 chins. I have let myself go a lot and the result......low self confidence, Not wearing what I want because they don't do it in my size, instead of shopping for clothes because I can't I shop purely for anything else and I just can't bare myself when I look in the mirror.
Okay so it's simple right? Get healthy, go the gym and go back a few dress sizes.....no I have tried all the diets, even tried juicing and I can't do it. I have an addiction, I am addicted to food. Be it weather I am hungry, sad, happy, bored I eat and noone can stop me. 

When it came to finding pictures of me now....Well..I could't, I have none. I hate my body so much I actually have none of my full body. Only my shoulders up...I don't do OOTD's because any pictures anyone takes I HATE because I look so big. These were between 3-6 months ago, these are the only ones I have that you can kind of see how much weight I have actually put on...



You can't even tell on these pictures how much weight I have put on because on all of them I am somehow hiding myself in a way....the end result of all of this is the chat made me realise yes I am a confident person speaking to people, making blog posts even posting Youtube videos but when it comes down to me and my body I would rather not look in a mirror! But how can I overcome this?
Honest answer? I have no idea. Writing this and seeing the pictures yes okay it makes me feel like a piece of shit and makes me want to loose weight but when I get paid I know the first place I will go is KFC or McDonalds because it's easy. 

In 5 Years I have gone up 10 dress sizes. Not because of anyone else, it's all me. I am embarrassed to write this post and actually say how much I have let myself go but I can't be the only one? I feel like if I try stay healthy with people behind me it will help and I think that's what I am trying to do. Think Sprinkle Of Glitter #GlitterGetsFitter - I need something or someone to help me and keep me going. If I could I would make that 3rd picture my wall paper on everything for motivation but then I would just look self obsessed!

I don't want to be fat Liv anymore. I wan't to be size 12 Liv who is happy and confident but how do I get there?

Comment if you struggle too or if you have any tips/advice let me know! We can help eachother!

<3

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3 comments

  1. When I broke up with an ex I let myself go a-lot. I went up to 13st, about a size 14-16 which although isn't huge, it was for me. I finally realised that eating felt good at the time, but in the long run was I happy? And I wasn't. I joined a gym and started going 2-3 times a week, doing mostly cardio and then focussing on weights and I was in love with it. For me now it's about being fit, not thin. Even just for the health benefits try going on a big walk once a week to ease you in. It helps your body and also gives you some time to clear your head and think. I'm now down to 10 and a half st and in between a size 10-12. I don't want to be model - I never will be! I want be strong, not skinny, and have a killer bum and fab boobs! Start slow and ease yourself in. You're beautiful at any size, but if you're not happy the only thing to do is get up and change yourself for the better. xxxx

    Aisling | rosysmiles.blogspot.co.uk

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  2. I have so much respect for you having the confidence to post this on your blog- I know I don't have that kind of guts! Personally I'm now around a size 20 after once being, like you, a size 12. I've accepted the fact that I'm never gonna be teeny tiny skinny, but I just want to be healthy and fit again and be able to do 'normal' things without feeling left behind because I'm so out of breath that I can't catch up!
    I think, like what was said on pabchat yesterday, that it is up to you where your 'happy' is and that as long as you're healthy then who cares! But again it's up to you to start and find your motivation (which I totally don't have, I think I'd need someone to shout at me to be honest!) and it would be useful for the supermarkets to stop selling such lovely unhealthy food ;) (Dominos are giving us free pizza round here at the moment too, how mean is that!?)
    If you ever wanna try some peer-motivating stuff though I'd totally be up for giving it a go!
    x
    Rachel- www.nailparade.co.uk

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  3. The pretty much sets everything I have ever believed into stone. It's funny because not even two years ago I was a size 14 about and even then I wasn't happy with my body and thought I was fat. Looking back now I would give anything to be that size 14 girl again! I'm about a size 22 right now. It's a mind set, no a struggle that I think so many people face. That's the fear that I have..If I lose weight and become a size 14, 12, or 10 will that even be enough? Will I fall back into the cycle of I need to be thinner to be happy and confident in my body? I am at a lost as well on how to change myself. I can relate to the not wanting to change in front of people. My husband is also a plus size guy, but I get moments when I think to myself how on earth can you see me undress and not gag? We both agree though the first place we'll stop at is McDonald's, one it's cheap, affordable, and two who doesn't love the idea of a sweet tea or frappe? When I first saw your blog I really thought you were a gorgeous plus size gal, and thought wish I was that confident to take all those pics of myself. lol. Just goes to show you how people really feel inside. I plan on working towards losing some weight myself after this baby is born. I would love to feel better about myself even if I didn't lose a ton of weight. My biggest struggle is finding affordable clothes or just plain cute clothes in my size. :p I'll def keep watching for any update posts. I'm in the same boat here. been struggling with it for about as long. I've never heard of PabChat but I'll have to check it out now.
    My other reason for checking out your blog today was to tell you that I nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award. http://catearsandcoloredhair.blogspot.com/2015/02/versatile-blogger-award.html#.VOI-4C5kmu8

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